How Can an Action Plan Help Your Relationship?

#relationships. #marriage. #love. #howto #makeitwork.

I want to address the question I am sure a lot of you are asking as you visit this site. How can an action plan help me and why do I need to go to someone else to make one. Cant we just do it ourselves by figuring all this out on our own?

A lot of people think this way. Especially when they feel like they have already tried everything else or when they are just getting started looking into ways to help their relationship so it happens at both sides of the stick. So for those who feel that they have already tried everything they tend to think that having a relationship and intimacy coach to help them work through their current action and reaction settings as individuals and partners is not going to be helpful because after all most of them have already tried therapy and that didnt work right? Here is the thing though. Just because therapy didnt work for your individual selves or your relationship does not mean that having someone to help guide you through your actions and reactions and how they effect your self and your relationship wont. A therapist is going to focus more on the feelings in the relationship and the communication to a degree. HOWEVER, they dont really target the action and reaction settings that are currently in place. I like to recommend to my clients to have a therapist as well as me helping them because then they will be getting the best of both specialties. While there are relationships and people that therapy genuinely doesnt work for a lot of times I find that they just have not found the right therapist yet. That aside when you work with me we are focusing on the actions and reactions of both individuals both on their own and as the unit and how those effect themselves and the unit. All of our actions effect us as individuals and our actions ALSO effect the relationship and promp RE actions from the other party which in turn does the same for them and the relationship so it really is a cycle. When you are in a situation where you are both operating with negative action and reaction settings no matter what the reason is you end up escalating those negative actions and reactions every day and it almost becomes a back and forth that never ends while resentments grow continuously until one or both parties reach a breaking point. Most relationships breakdown from just a couple of things. A. one or both parties accuse the other of being abusive emotionally or mentally (this is especially common more and more now), B. One or both people think that the other party no longer loves them, C. One or both people genuinely fall out of love (this is hard to do) and then the most common is that one or both people's actions and reactions dont fit the environment in a relationship that one or both people are wanting and they dont know how to change it. This could mean a lot of things. It could mean that one person is more aloof and distanced whether that is physically, emotionally or sexually than their partner is ok with, it could be the exact opposite for the other person, It could be that one persons response to stressfull situations is something that causes the other person discomfort. We see this a lot, one person will react in a large and loud manner to stressful events while the other person internalizes and when their partner externalizes in an energetic whether it is a negative energy or not they end up internalizing the stress that they end up feeling from that as well. These are the situations that cause the breakdowns of most relationships. So for A. When one or both people are claiming abuse we have to look at what they mean by abuse. What is abuse to them? These days everyone has their own idea of what abuse looks like and this can lead to very unhealthy dynamics. So when they say that the other person is abusive we need to really look deeper into that. Is the abuse physical? If there is physical abuse and physical violence then the relationship needs to be over. I do not get involved in relationships where physical abuse is a factor because people who are physically abusive are generally not able to see how their actions and reactions could be problematic and they are not really willing to change. They are just doing what they feel they should in the moment to be able to maintain that emotional control over their partner and that is the only reason that they are here speaking with me. I have been there done that, I went through the marriage counseling and relationship coach with my ex husband because he said he would change, he said he wanted to make our marriage work....he said what I wanted to hear and we went to the sessions and after the end of every session when I had finished bearing my soul and emotions and explainging my feelings and he had "done the same" calmly and "sincerely" we would get in the car and he would start berating me for how badly I had embarassed him, how could I call him out like that, how dare I say those things about him etc and obviously the physical abuse only stopped while there was a counselor who was looking at me for signs of abuse once a week. As soon as he had torn me back down enough to get me to agree to stop going it started right back up. So I do not get involved in physically abusive relationships. For those I recommend the victim to counseling in order to be able to build themselves up so that they can leave the situation safely and with their dignity. Now, when it comes to emotional and mental abuse and others along those lines we have to start by picking apart the actions that each person finds abusive. This is first done in one on one. What is their partner doing that is so bad that they think is classifies as abuse. For some women it is yelling, raising voices. For some women it is literally being told no when they ask for something. Yes I know but I am not joking. I have had several women come into this and they say that when their partner tells them no when they ask for something it is mentally abusive because they should be able to trust that they can rely on their partner for anything. Their partner should be willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy and if they arent and they show that then it is mentally and emotionally abusive. So we have to rewrite that idea. These women have to essentially learn that being told no is not abusive and that just because they are not given everything that they want does not mean that the partner is any less invested in the relationship. This is usually done with the comparisons of the relationships equality. We do a break down of each persons responsibilities in the home or for the family. We go over this and a lot of times it is pretty typical the man is usually respoinsble for the majority of the bills, vehicle maintenance, home maintenance (repairs etc), yard maintenance, and making sure there is enough financially for the things that need to be obtained. Food, clothing, cleaning supplies etc while wives are more responsible for how the home is run, the kids, school, meal planning, grocercies and things like that. So while both people are doing quite a bit because the roles are so different and the work involved is demanding in very different ways and because both people usually work to make sure that the other isnt stressed about it without even knowing what they are really doing as far as effort and all that one or both ends up feeling that because they arent really seeing the effort of the other that they "dont do anything". This is the perfect time to not just imagine yourself in the other persons shoes but put yourself there. Some times part of the beginning phases of the action plan is for both people to switch roles for a length of time that they agree on. Of course the wife cant go to the husbands job and if she works he cant go to hers but in other things especially dealing with the home and family they are able to and both people can get some perspective on the work and effort that the other person puts in. I am not going to lie there are still times when one or both still end up saying that they still do more than the other or things of that nature and in these cases it really isnt about what and how much is being done as much as it has to deal with that person needing that sense of importance mentally and emotionally which is something that has to be dealt with or it will continue to lead to these unhealthy actions and reactions to their partner. So does the action plan fix everything all at once? NO. Not by any means. It is not a one time get out of jail free card and you cant come up with a useful action plan in one session because after all we dont remember all of our negative actions all at once and we dont know all of our negative reactions all at once right? I mean that would be a lot of negativity to carry around and if we did know and address them all at once it probably would stick because that is just too much for any one person at one time. Especially when some of the actions and reactions are rooted in trauma and things like that. It takes time to recognize, come to terms with and address them. THEN we can add them into the plan. The first phase is baby steps. It is not a one size fix all. I cant say a magic quote that applies to everyone that will automatically fix their relationship and point them down the right path. It takes work and trust between the individuals, in themselves and between the three of us in general. So how can an action plan help you? Well that answer really cant be known until you are willing to find out right? You arent just a cardboard cutout I can just determine things for. You are your own person your own self and you have your own personality and it effects your relationship in its own way. So the real question you have to ask your self is not what good is this for me. Right? Because like anything else you wont know unless you are willing to try, the real question is, is my relationship and myself worth the effort that I will be putting into it and the answer is YES.