Physical attraction

So now I'm going to say some things that not everybody is going to like and I understand that and if you don't want to go any further then that's fine but it does need to be addressed so working with a couple at the moment and they come to me and they're having a problem with intimacy and I have been given permission to share the broad strokes of the issue not of course their personal details or anything like that for obvious reasons however aside the point they're having an issue with intimacy and the husband tells me she's not the same person that she was when we met she doesn't act the same she doesn't look the same she always seems depressed she never seems happy she's gained a lot of weight and I just cannot force myself to be physically attracted or turned on by her now a lot of you are going to say well that's horrible he should love her no matter what and he shouldn't care what she looks like and love isn't about appearance and all of that and while some of that is in a way true yes he should absolutely love her no matter what she looks like because he has chosen to be in a relationship with her and if he does still carry those feelings for her then yes he should love her no matter what you know as far as weight goes but here's the thing you can love somebody and you can be in love with somebody and not be physically attracted to them but Nicole how is that possible how can you be in love with somebody and not be physically attracted to them well the answer is very simple when we first form our attraction and our emotional attachments to people it is based on very simple factors the first thing that attracts us to our partners is their looks it is their appearance it is their outer self what they show the world physically that is what gets our attention from the start now a lot of you will say well that's not what attracted to me to my partner and there are some very rare cases where it wasn't the physical it was you know either a spiritual or you know an emotional connection where perhaps it you know they met online and it became a long distance so the emotional was able to grow before the physical and in those cases I will absolutely say it does happen and those are a little bit different we will talk about those but in most instances what we are first attract what we first see is the physical and that is what first gets our attention and that is what we become attracted to at the very first in the sticks in our mind while they are they're so attractive I mean when you're going and you're talking to your girlfriends or your guy friends I met this person they're so sexy they're so hot these are the things that we see first then we see personality then we see the kindness or the funny side and we see who they are a little bit deeper and then after that we see intelligence because intelligence takes time to judge right we can't just decide if somebody's intelligent or you know on our same wavelength on you know one meeting so it takes a little bit more time than the you know more shallow traits the the first personality perception and the physical attraction so we decide to get in a relationship with somebody based on these three factors their looks their personality and their intelligence and then come you know the morals and viewpoints and you know the things like that all of this make up the personality so a lot of times what we see happening is people get together based on these components and they're together for a while and everything's going great and they decide to get married and they get engaged and they start planning the wedding and it's beautiful and it's gorgeous and everything goes off without a hitch all right all right so a lot of times what we see happening after the marriage and it happens with both men and women but unfortunately it does tend to happen more often with women because women give birth and there are tons of changes physically that come with that and then we're raising the children and so the physical aspects of our you know bodies and all that really kind of tend to take the back seat and we think well we're married we don't really have to worry about that anymore because we already have our mate and we were worried about that to begin with because we needed to attract a mate okay so we've done that that's no longer a worry so we kind of just let it go and then while the husbands still love their wives deeply and still deeply care about them and wouldn't want to spend their lives with anybody else they do have a harder time becoming physically aroused and feeling that same level of physical attraction that they felt you know prior to the marriage and in the first you know couple of years of marriage usually so and a lot of women find this very hard to deal with and it does happen with men too they're you know you see women talking about their husbands who have developed the dad bod or the beer belly or just kind of let themselves go and it does happen and again it's when people slip into that mindset well I was keeping myself in shape because I needed to find a mate and now I don't need to find a mate anymore so they kind of let themselves go and while a lot of people will say well we shouldn't be focused on the physical we should only be focused on the personality and the intelligence and the you know emotional while that is a wonderful dream it's not exactly realistic because we still have to get ourselves in a in a place where we want to be sexually active with our partners and unfortunately we are attracted to what we are attracted to there's not really a way to control that you develop these tastes very early in life and they are pretty much set unless you know something happens to shake them and there's a trauma. Now I understand that a lot of people don't like hearing this they don't like hearing that there is a possibility that since their body shape or image has changed that their partner may or may not be physically attracted to them anymore now I do want to tell you that if you're not having a problem with intimacy then chances are pretty good that this is not the case for you but for those of you that are having issues with intimacy this may be something to look at if one or both of you has you know changed physically you know no matter what that change may be over the past you know several years and you don't really look like what you used to look like now there could be several other factors that go into that but this is where it's important for communication and guys I understand that when your wives ask you are you still attracted to me you automatically want to say yes because you don't want to hurt their feelings but I will tell you that this is doing more damage in the long run especially when you are having problems with intimacy if you are not actually physically attracted to them or if you have problems or trouble finding yourself physically attracted or if you have to go off into imagination land to get aroused you need to be able to communicate and women you need to not take it personally as hard as it is if they do sit down and tell you hey look I still love you deeply but I do have a harder time being physically attracted to you we need to be able to look at it and say okay while that does hurt let's look at why that is this is where that really open communication comes in and it's not abusive to be honest if you are doing it just to hurt somebody that is when it is abusive when somebody comes to you and they ask you how you're feeling and you tell them honestly what you are feeling and what you are experiencing that is not abuse that's not physical abuse that's not emotional abuse that's not mental abuse at all women we have to understand that just because we are in a relationship with them and just because they love us that does not necessarily mean that they are 100% physically attracted to us if we no longer have the same body type as we had when we originally got together and we are having problems with intimacy this may be something to explore so the couple that I'm currently seeing are having this issue and when I ended up speaking with the wife it turned out that she was having a similar issue because the husband had kind of let himself go as well and he wasn't staying in shape anymore making any you know real attempt to keep his physical physique and you know it happens we have lives we have kids we have busy work schedules we have stress we have all of these things and it's really easy once we're already in a relationship to just say well that's not as important but it is and it's not the most important thing absolutely but it is important it's important not only for your own self-esteem but also for your partner and you know it's important that you feel like your partner still wants you to be physically attracted to them and it's important that your partner feels like you still want to be physically attracted to them and that you still want them to be physically attracted to you it's you know give and take so they're both having this issue and we came up with the plan that okay well one thing that they have always really enjoyed doing together as being active together before they had the kids and all of that that's something that they would do they would go rock climbing or they would go hiking or they would you know go to these things together and you know these were things that they both enjoy doing and they could do them and stay in shape and just have fun so the plan now to the you know address that and have that action plan is that now they're going to take one or two nights a week where they have a babysitter and they go to the gym together for at least an hour and they you know help each other work out they don't go off on their own and work out separately and just leave each other alone but they do it together now of course if they want to go to the gym on their own you know that's perfectly fine but during this time this is their time to you know reconnect and help each other retain those physical goals that they have so that they both feel like they are making strides forward and they are making strides forward to reignite that physical attraction because nobody wants a relationship that is healthy and most other ways to break down because the physical spark is gone that's the last thing anybody wants and while the physical side of a relationship is not the most important part it is a very large part of a relationship if two people do not mesh as sexually and there is a very low chance that they're going to be successful in a relationship so what is the purpose of this post and that's very simple the purpose is to try to get rid of this viewpoint of once we attract our mates we no longer have to worry about our physical appearance and that once they say I do once they're in that committed relationship then they should no longer care about what we look like and that it is shallow of them to care about what we look like and that if they are no longer physically attracted to us because we have let ourselves go then they are shallow if they got into a relationship with us and we wait a certain amount and we have since gained 50 or 60 pounds and they're having problems being attracted to us that it is shallow it's not shallow it's perfectly reasonable and I know that that is not a popular opinion but it's a fact nobody can control what they're physically attracted to nobody can really control what arouses them sexually these are things that are set very early in life and while they may advance and develop over time they don't 100% change. Again if you are not having intimacy issues and this doesn't seem to be a problem for you even if your body type or theirs has changed then you most likely have nothing to worry about. I am not saying at all that if your body type changes that it is 100% that you're partner will no longer be attracted to you. I am saying it does happen and it is ok and it is not the end of the world and it is something that can be addressed and actions taken. I hope you all have a wonderful and blissful day!