The First Step.

Hello everyone!

  So, today I am sharing my story. My name is Nicole I am 34 years old and my husband and I share 7 children. My 5 children are from previous relationships as are his 2.

I was very young when I had my first child and at the time I thought that because her father had taken off that it was important that I find a father figure for her I started dating very fast and actually ended up falling in love with someone quite a few years older t me who already had been married with a child.

We were engaged after 6 months and married before we had been together for a year and I was already pregnant with my next child. Immediately after we were married the relationship changed.

It was violent emotionally but not yet physically. After I had my 3rd child is when the physical abuse started.

Like most people in abusive relationships I stayed. I thought it was best for the kids, I thought it was my fault and if I changed enough then it would stop, I believed HE would change. Unfortunately none of those things were true and it eventually lead to very violent situations where my life was in very real danger and in this period I was not in a healthy place emotionally, mentally or physically.

Finally I had enough and decided that I needed to start over. I wanted to move to be closer to family out of state and I felt that if I did not leave I would end up dead.

Unfortunately I did not go about this correctly and the consequences were harsh.

I had twins not long after I moved out of state and to Oklahoma and I ended up divorced.

I had always told myself that I would never get married a 2nd time if I ever got divorced. You get married only once and that is supposed to be for life. I'm not religious but that is what I believe in.

I was not expecting some years later after having gone through several more traumatic and unhealthy relationships and situations to reconnect with a love from my youth. That is how the universe works though and reconnect we did.

I had already started the training that would lead me to becoming the advisor and coach for relationship health that I am and was working towards that goal which came from wanting to save people the heartache of failed relationships if and when they can be saved.

We got together and have been together ever since....but it hasn't been easy. When we parted in our youth we went very separate ways and down very different paths. This gave us both extremely different experiences and view points but we were heading over heels in love.

The first 2 years was hard. We couldn't actively communicate, react to each other appropriately or even react to our selves as individuals appropriately in regards to the relationship. There was a lot of repressed resentment and animosity building which caused more turmoil.

I was speaking with my mentor about it and she told me that I was not doing the action planning I needed to be doing for the health of my relationship, I was just winging it and hoping it worked and while that CAN work for some people, for others who have had trauma, abuse or issues with trust and being able to rely on others it is hard.

So I started dragging my husband with my to my training and our practice relationship essentially was our own.

We figured out the issues that each person had as a person in the relationship and then the issues we had as a unit.

And no they are not the same.

Humans are very self motivated and even in relationships for people who have lived in fight or flight or survival mode that self preservation instinct will usually trump the well being on the unit our relationship.

We think that if "I am ok we should be ok"

Not always the case.

So what do we do to address that?

Well the first session is 2 and a half hours for a reason. We have to meet and greet and then do one on one and come back as a unit to develop the action plan.

For our relationship my issues were my low self image, my low self worth and overcompensating for that by being overly confident in my rulings for the relationship. I didn't think of it as OUR relationship, it was MY relationship and with that thinking I was the boss so when he didn't act accordingly I became angry and the same issues.were true of him.

We had both been hurt in the past and used that trauma as a reason to be the one in charge essentially.

Of course there were issues we had with each other as well and they are important but due to sensitivity I won't address them here.

Then we addressed our issues as a unit, a couple and a team. Once we had that it was time to develop the plan. And everyone's is different. No one size fits all here. It takes time and effort. You have to use the plan to retrain yourself and your reactions to the things that upset you and upset you. Not only about your partner but about yourself and the relationship.

The actions and steps that you take as an individual are important to the relationship and the steps for the relationship are important to you individually.

So we enacted out plan. The first month was awkward and hard but as we got into it and started fine turning through our sessions it became better and easier.

Easier to talk, connect and be intimate and honest with each other and now here we are 3 years later.

I have been using these skills and my training to help couples and even individuals alone for the past 3 years now and I am very proud of what I have helped people to accomplish.

Some have come to me on the brink of divorce. They tried therapy and all that and now they were at the end of the proverbial rope.they didn't think this would work AT ALL.

But it did....and now they are back on track and building better futures for themselves, their relationship and their family.

You can't fix the problem if you don't admit that part of the problem is you really don't know what the problem is. After all of you did know what the real problem was then it would have already been solved and dealt with.

So we go back to basics, get to know each other and yes that includes the two of you. After all we all change and evolve every day. We are a never the same person as we were last year and it's important to ALWAYS be getting to know your partner and vice versa.

So that is my story. My success through this process and our success through this process and now I want to help you achieve it!