The Getting to Know You Phase.

We all know it. It's usually at the very start of the relationship when you are deciding if you want to pursue a future with this person and who they are right then at that moment in time determines that for you.

It's wonderful, they check all the boxes for you. You have similar interests and enjoy similar activities. They think along the same lines and their morals and views align with your own at this moment in time. So the relationship begins and you both decide to build a future together and the getting to know you part comes to an end.....but why?

Well the answer to that is pretty simple but a little unnerving and something not a lot of people are willing to accept at first. You see when we get into a relationship with someone it is solely based on the getting to Know you phase of the dating process. You go into it thinking that since you know them now in time that A. They won't change who they are, their interests, views and ideals and if they do it will be in line with yours because you're a couple and you will grow together. B. Nothing will happen to cause any drastic changes. C. You don't have to keep going through the getting to know you phase because after all you will be seeing and talking to each other day in and day out....how could they ever change into another person essentially without you knowing. Despite these self assurances these are exactly the things that end up happening. Daily experiences have an effect on the individual, their ideals, views and personality. While yes while in a relationship their is growth as a couple of it is a relatively healthy one however there is far more growth within the individuals involved in the relationship outside of the relationship. What does that mean and why does it sound so bad? Lol. While it does kind of sound bad it really isn't. It is important to always remember that even though you are in a relationship you are also still an individual who will grow and develop in ways that have nothing to do with the relationship per se. These changes will effect who you are and who you will be. So as time goes on and these changes continue to take place in both people if they do not take the actions needed to continue to get to know each other as they grow and change them there will come the moment when one looks at the other a realizes that they no longer know or recognize the person they are with. Small actions over time while the growth and changes have been taking place may cause building resentment or animosity. Their lack of interest in things that you used to share may cause feelings of loneliness and abandonment because now you don't know how to connect with them.

While all of the above is taking place intimacy whether physical, emotional etc may start to decline and from there it is all down hill until you end up being roommates who sleep in the same bed. For some this is when arguments start for others they start much earlier but it never helps. So how can we prevent this from happening? Well we keep getting to know each other. We play games and find fun ways to continue the getting to know you phase. We speak openly, share our new interests and take actions to try to include our partners in these new interests so that even if they aren't interested in them necessarily they at least still understand you in this moment in time. You take an interest in the new ideas and interests that they are developing. You talk about it.

But Nicole what happens if they start growing into someone I wouldn't have chosen to be with if we had just started dating?

Unfortunately that does happen. We can never guarantee that we will ALWAYS be someone the other person would want to be with.

In those situations we have to decide if we love the person enough to accept who they are now, realize that just because they aren't who you originally fell for and decide if who they have become is someone that you can trust and continue on this journey with. It may be hard, and there will certainly be trying times. After all if they have grown into someone you wouldn't have originally chosen chances are fairly good that the same is true for you to them. So it is not ONLY your choice and people find it very difficult to operate in situations where they have absolutely no control over the outcome like that.

Is it hopeless? Never. Unless there is physical, sexual abuse etc. If abuse is not a factor then yes there is always hope. Even emotional abuse and verbally abusive situations are not hopeless as long as both people understand the truth, and recognize that there are real problems and are willing to self reflect.

So the point? Don't let the getting to know you chit chat end. Keep it going, expand it, and make it part of your relationship. It will always make you stronger 💪